Nobody ever shows you as much hate as a narcissistic partner.
No one can teach you more self-love than a narcissistic partner.
Nothing else can pursue you so strongly to heal the wounds you keep bleeding all over the place.
You've been wounded to your core.
Going deeper, no one can ever teach you forgiveness, but the one who can tear you apart and make you open those old, suppressed, inflamed wounds to let all the pain go.
No one else can crush your heart open and make you see the amount of self-hate emerging from all those long-forgotten deep wounds, spreading like venom through your whole existence.
Nobody ever shows you as much hate as a narcissistic partner.
No one can teach you more self-love than a narcissistic partner.
Nothing else can pursue you so strongly to heal the wounds you keep bleeding all over the place.
You've been wounded to your core.
Going deeper, no one can ever teach you forgiveness, but the one who can tear you apart and make you open those old, suppressed, inflamed wounds to let all the pain go.
No one else can crush your heart open and make you see the amount of self-hate emerging from all those long-forgotten deep wounds, spreading like venom through your whole existence.
Yet through it all, you managed to stay pure in your core. Therein, a great amount of Love is waiting, longing to flow all over the world and embrace all and everyone that appears on her path.
To immerse ourselves in this pure Love patiently waiting in our core, we need to release all self-hate. We need to replace it with self-love till the last drop of the poison is gone.
From there, the worst experiences in life become the very best teachers. When we recognize and embrace that, forgiveness follows and only Love remains.
I’ve been in relationships with unavailable men, with men who didn't have any interest in supporting me and my path. These men never gave me anything; they were just taking. I don’t mean any material things or a roof above my head, but these relationships were never harmonious and emotionally healthy. Somehow I always stood alone and was treated as a child, as a little girl who couldn’t take care of herself and was too stupid to do anything. I realized that these patterns were programmed throughout my childhood.
Although in many ways both of my parents were sweet and kind, they both had been damaged tremendously and some parts of them were shut down. They couldn’t see my pain because it would trigger their wounds. That was the last thing they needed, they didn’t know how to heal. Instead of that, they did what everyone does; they projected their wounds onto their child—the child that was unwanted, came too early, and took their freedom and youth away.
This deeply hidden knowing made me feel guilty and ashamed of my existence.
Many years later, when I started to do the shadow work, I realized this. It took me a lot of time and effort before I was able to feel their pain and forgive them. In forgiveness, I found liberation. To truly heal, I needed to be confronted with what is still living deep in me. I kept attracting partners who were mirroring the unhealed traumas through their behavior. I broke into tiny pieces so many times. I drowned in pain, suffered depression, and begged God to let me die.
These thoughts made me deeply unhappy. Through the tears, I’ve always seen the vision of my daughter, I could sense how losing me, the only person she truly had in her life, would hurt and damage her.
I always felt a deep responsibility for her and saw her as my greatest teacher. Her presence in my life was the greatest invitation for me to heal. Each time I was suppressing something, she was the one showing this to me.
Her Love is so pure, it holds a space for healing.
My whole life I sensed the guidance of Love and I was led by the deeply rooted desire to experience unconditional Love between me and a partner. I always believed in Heaven on Earth.
I know it is possible for all of us to live in Love. It depends on how much conscious effort we put into our healing.
How much are we able to forgive?
How easily are we able to let go?
Can we really look honestly at ourselves and make the necessary changes?
Or do we keep blaming others and dwelling on the vibrational level of victimhood? This field is filled with all the unwanted experiences. Yet we keep trying to survive there.
Of course, being a victim has many advantages, but at some point, we need to realize that these are just illusions. Because there is no such thing as a happy victim. So if we want to be truly happy in our lives, we need to make a choice. If we choose happiness, everything around us will be the guide to healing.
In my case, I was attracting partners who showed me narcissistic behavior because this was a pattern I experienced with my parents in my childhood. To be able to escape terrible situations, to fully remove them from my life, and liberate myself, I had to face all these wounds and traumas to understand that it was never about them. It was about what happened for me, not to me, and what I was able to take out of it. How honestly I was able to look into the mirror presented.
I’ve been denying.
I’ve been blaming.
I’ve been crying for being so victimized.
Until I started to realize how many presents wrapped in ugly paper were gifted to me by the Universe to push me to where I wanted to be. To live the Love I desired, I had to find it within.
Love never comes from the outside. It is hidden within our hearts until we reach it and open the portals to the healing Light.
I am grateful for all the pain, struggle, abandonment, and rejection I faced with the men in my life. Their unwanted behavior invited me to become the kind of person I would fall in Love with.
I shattered into pieces thousands of times just to rebuild myself in a way I can be proud of. I am living in a state in which my heart is overflowing with Love, and pain never hurts so deeply anymore.
Letting go and forgiving are such easy things to do once we realize we are always on the path to self-love.
If we can see and truly innerstand this, we’ll realize that we are not each other's enemies. We are merely teachers.
It’s up to us how long our learning process takes. The moment we step out of the victimhood, the healing comes.
Through healing, we become Love.
Then the real magic comes.
~Nika
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